ďRight In Front Of YouĒ

- an Imzadi song fic written around Celine Dionís ĎRight In Front Of You.í

 

Author: Pia Pedersen

 

Notes:

 

This is for Robin, because she posted the lyrics.

 

I should mention that this story is multiple POV, although not within the same paragraph.

 

Disclaimers are in force, both with regards to the characters and the lyrics.

 

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Life
It can twist your heart
Put you in the dark

Sometimes I wonder why weíre acting the way we are. I suppose it is an occupational hazard, being a counselor I tend to analyze things, sometimes exceedingly. I suppose at some level itís a defense, too. As long as I keep going over everything in my mind, itís unreal, and I donít have to deal with my emotions. I donít have to deal with him. Itís safe, but itís also lonely. Itís so lonely.

 

I hear someone sigh and realize that itís me. Who else would it be?

 

I wonder what heís doing, if he is still at the party Ė or if heís alone as well, thinking of me? I let out my breath slowly. What am I doing? Weíre not teenagers, far from it. Why canít I just tell him? Weíve known each other for years, and still, Iím afraid. The thought of him with another woman in his arms Ö it hurts so much Ö

 

I close my eyes, picturing him, as the world goes on outside my door, and, once again, I feel the memories fill my mind and my heart.

 

ďWill,Ē I call out softly, even though I know I will get no reply.

 

Doubt
It can close you in
Build the walls within

Iím supposed to know what Iím doing. Iím supposed to be confident, in control Ė and I am, most of the time. Just not with her. Deanna can shake me up, make me question my actions and re-evaluate the decisions I make. I guess itís a good thing. Sheís a good counselor. But sheís also so much more Ö much more, and thatís the problem.

 

I find myself walking past her door, stopping there. A million thoughts run through my mind. It doesnít have to be so hard, does it? I could just reach out and press the chime. Sheís in there. All I have to do is reach out and walk through the door. Itís that easy Ė and itís so hard. I swallow hard, feeling the rush of doubt. The walls are back up, and I canít find my way through, canít break them down. I realize that Iím scared. It isnít easy for me to admit. Iím William Riker, First Officer of the USS Enterprise, and Iím not supposed to be scared.

                               

Iím so close to pressing the chime, but I donít. Iím only human, and Iím not sure that Iím ready to face her rejection. She might reject me. In fact itís a very real possibility. Truth is, I havenít given her much reason to believe me. I let her down on Risa, and I havenít exactly been laying low here on the ship, either.

 

What is she supposed to think Ė that Iíve suddenly had some sort of revelation? It sounds pathetic, even to me. I canít expect her to believe something that Iím not even sure about, myself.

 

So I let my hand fall to the side and walk away. There will be another day, another chance.

 

I hope.

 

I let fear control me
I let go

It has been a long day; one I would prefer to see the end of. Beverly advises me to get some sleep when we share a turbo lift off the Bridge. I donít answer, and she gives me one of those knowing smiles. She sees too much.

 

ďWhat?Ē I inquire.

 

ďI donít have to be an empath to know whatís going on with you.Ē There it is again, that smile. Sometimes I wish she didnít know me so well.

 

ďIím fine.Ē

 

ďOf course you are. Weíre all fine. Everythingís just ---ď

 

ďIím the counselor here.Ē Itís such a stupid thing to say; it gives her all the answers she wants. ďI can deal with it.Ē

 

ďDeanna,Ē she says, ďheís right there. Why donít you just reach out?Ē I turn to her then, and she concedes silently when I raise an eyebrow at her. ďAll right. I know. Itís complicated.Ē

 

ďGood night, Beverly.Ē

 

We part ways, and now here I am Ė In Ten Forward, nursing a cup of chocolate that hasnít been hot in a while.  This is getting me nowhere. I can spend the rest of my life thinking about him, and it wonít help. It wonít take the pain away, or the love for that matter. I loved him then, and I love him now. Iím sure my last thought will be of him. My life is intertwined with Will Rikerís, eternally. I know that, and I know that he knows, too. It seems, though, that none of us knows what to do about it. So we let go.

 

I catch his eye as he enters the lounge. I smile at him. I canít help it, and he approaches me. I notice that heís not looking well Ö thereís a distance in his eyes. It has been there all day, preoccupying my thoughts and I hope he will talk to me about it. Iím pretty sure he wonít, though. We donít talk much anymore, and I canít read him the way I once could. Iím not even sure I know him anymore, not really. I look away from those blue eyes as he comes closer.

 

Right in front of you
Right in front of me

I see her the minute I walk through the doors. I try to convince myself that Iím surprised, but Iím not. Somehow I knew this was where she would be, and I know I would have eventually ended up in here, even if I had decided to anywhere else. Where she is, I am.

 

Where you go, I'll follow

Deanna Troi is smiling at me, and I feel some of my weariness subside as I walk up to her. She is holding on to a cup of what is most likely chocolate, both hands wrapped around it. Her soft curls Ė I know they are soft, although it has been a long time since I ran my fingers through them Ė spill down her shoulders and back, they frame her face. She isnít just beautiful to me. She is exquisite.  How is it that a simple smile from her can have such a profound effect on me?

 

I walk closer, and our eyes meet briefly before she looks away. Sheís a mystery, and she always will be. I have decided I like that explanation a lot better than the alternative. No matter how far we drift apart, and we are drifting, I will never accept that I donít know who she is anymore.

 

I reach her table now, and she lets me join her. Sheís right in front of me. I can touch her. But I donít.  I want to hold her, but I donít do that, either. I donít do anything, and we just sit there. Her questions are unspoken, but I hear them loud and clear. I hear them; I just donít have the answers.

 

Didn't know
Where the answer would be
We were looking
But somehow, some way
We couldn't see

 

Silence.

 

There was a time where it didnít have to be uncomfortable not to speak. All we needed was a look, or a light touch of a hand. We didnít need words. I look at him, place my hand over his and feel him react. It surprises him, but he offers a slight smile, and I feed on it; on the emotions he is unable to hide in this moment. But the moment shatters, and we settle into our routine once again.

 

Somewhere along the way we have come to depend on words. We need them to fill in the silence, and yet they mean nothing. I can see it in his eyes, the resignation. I want to scream, tell him that I donít want this either.

 

You're the world where I belong

Those words could change my life, and I want to say them. There is nothing I would rather do than tell him how much he means to me, but I donít know how. I donít know how to free us from this vacuum. Thatís the thing with words. Sometimes they get in the way.

 

You are my tomorrow

Her hand is on top of mine, and I look into those dark, expressive eyes while the thought swirl around in the back of my mind. She is. Deanna is the reason I wake up in the morning. Some day I hope she will be there when I fall asleep as well.

 

I get up from the chair, offering a hand to her. She gives me a puzzled look. I understand perfectly. I donít know what Iím doing either, but Iíve resolved that that is a part of loving her. Iíve come to terms with it. So why is it so hard to tell her?

 

ďTrust me.Ē

 

Faith
It can lift you up

I smile and follow him out of the lounge. Iím curious, but he keeps silent. Suddenly it isnít so uncomfortable anymore.

 

ďWill, what ---?Ē  I try again.

 

ďDo you trust me, Deanna?Ē

 

He Ďs serious. Weíve reached the turbo lift now. I look at him as we step inside. Heís waiting.

 

ďYes.Ē

 

I know it has taken time for me to get here, but I hope someday he will longer have to ask.

 

I canít remember when he last smiled at me that way. It takes me a few seconds to realize that Iím holding my breath.

 

The love was always there
It's been around us everywhere

Relief washes over me at her reassurance. The turbo lift moves soundlessly, carrying us on our way, and I watch her in silence. No words could ever express the way I feel, or the things I want to say. She turns to me. Thereís a faint smile on her lips, and I see a new light in her eyes. It is as if Iím seeing her for the first time, and I suppose, in many ways, I am.

I had to fall to finally see
That you were right in front of me

He lets me enter first, and as I step inside his cabin I know. I know that from this moment on, my life will not ever be the same.

 

I turn around and step into the circle of his arms, and as he draws me closer we hear our hearts speak the words we couldnít say.

 

A new beginning

 

Deannaís soft breath caresses my face, and I brush my lips gently against hers when I see all I have hoped for, every wish my heart has ever made, mirrored in the depths of those mysterious eyes.

 

In the final hour
We'll find the joy in living

[-end-]