“Right In Front Of You”

- an Imzadi song fic written around Celine Dion’s ‘Right In Front Of You.’

Author: Pia Pedersen

Notes:

This is for Robin, because she posted the lyrics.

I should mention that this story is multiple POV, although not within the same paragraph.

Disclaimers are in force, both with regards to the characters and the lyrics.

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Life
It can twist your heart
Put you in the dark

Sometimes I wonder why we’re acting the way we are. I suppose it is an occupational hazard, being a counselor I tend to analyze things, sometimes exceedingly. I suppose at some level it’s a defense, too. As long as I keep going over everything in my mind, it’s unreal, and I don’t have to deal with my emotions. I don’t have to deal with him. It’s safe, but it’s also lonely. It’s so lonely.

I hear someone sigh and realize that it’s me. Who else would it be?

I wonder what he’s doing, if he is still at the party – or if he’s alone as well, thinking of me? I let out my breath slowly. What am I doing? We’re not teenagers, far from it. Why can’t I just tell him? We’ve known each other for years, and still, I’m afraid. The thought of him with another woman in his arms … it hurts so much …

I close my eyes, picturing him, as the world goes on outside my door, and, once again, I feel the memories fill my mind and my heart.

“Will,” I call out softly, even though I know I will get no reply.

Doubt
It can close you in
Build the walls within

I’m supposed to know what I’m doing. I’m supposed to be confident, in control – and I am, most of the time. Just not with her. Deanna can shake me up, make me question my actions and re-evaluate the decisions I make. I guess it’s a good thing. She’s a good counselor. But she’s also so much more … much more, and that’s the problem.

I find myself walking past her door, stopping there. A million thoughts run through my mind. It doesn’t have to be so hard, does it? I could just reach out and press the chime. She’s in there. All I have to do is reach out and walk through the door. It’s that easy – and it’s so hard. I swallow hard, feeling the rush of doubt. The walls are back up, and I can’t find my way through, can’t break them down. I realize that I’m scared. It isn’t easy for me to admit. I’m William Riker, First Officer of the USS Enterprise, and I’m not supposed to be scared.

I’m so close to pressing the chime, but I don’t. I’m only human, and I’m not sure that I’m ready to face her rejection. She might reject me. In fact it’s a very real possibility. Truth is, I haven’t given her much reason to believe me. I let her down on Risa, and I haven’t exactly been laying low here on the ship, either.

What is she supposed to think – that I’ve suddenly had some sort of revelation? It sounds pathetic, even to me. I can’t expect her to believe something that I’m not even sure about, myself.

So I let my hand fall to the side and walk away. There will be another day, another chance.

I hope.

I let fear control me
I let go

It has been a long day; one I would prefer to see the end of. Beverly advises me to get some sleep when we share a turbo lift off the Bridge. I don’t answer, and she gives me one of those knowing smiles. She sees too much.

“What?” I inquire.

“I don’t have to be an empath to know what’s going on with you.” There it is again, that smile. Sometimes I wish she didn’t know me so well.

“I’m fine.”

“Of course you are. We’re all fine. Everything’s just ---“

“I’m the counselor here.” It’s such a stupid thing to say; it gives her all the answers she wants. “I can deal with it.”

“Deanna,” she says, “he’s right there. Why don’t you just reach out?” I turn to her then, and she concedes silently when I raise an eyebrow at her. “All right. I know. It’s complicated.”

“Good night, Beverly.”

We part ways, and now here I am – In Ten Forward, nursing a cup of chocolate that hasn’t been hot in a while.  This is getting me nowhere. I can spend the rest of my life thinking about him, and it won’t help. It won’t take the pain away, or the love for that matter. I loved him then, and I love him now. I’m sure my last thought will be of him. My life is intertwined with Will Riker’s, eternally. I know that, and I know that he knows, too. It seems, though, that none of us knows what to do about it. So we let go.

I catch his eye as he enters the lounge. I smile at him. I can’t help it, and he approaches me. I notice that he’s not looking well … there’s a distance in his eyes. It has been there all day, preoccupying my thoughts and I hope he will talk to me about it. I’m pretty sure he won’t, though. We don’t talk much anymore, and I can’t read him the way I once could. I’m not even sure I know him anymore, not really. I look away from those blue eyes as he comes closer.

Right in front of you
Right in front of me

I see her the minute I walk through the doors. I try to convince myself that I’m surprised, but I’m not. Somehow I knew this was where she would be, and I know I would have eventually ended up in here, even if I had decided to anywhere else. Where she is, I am.

Where you go, I'll follow

Deanna Troi is smiling at me, and I feel some of my weariness subside as I walk up to her. She is holding on to a cup of what is most likely chocolate, both hands wrapped around it. Her soft curls – I know they are soft, although it has been a long time since I ran my fingers through them – spill down her shoulders and back, they frame her face. She isn’t just beautiful to me. She is exquisite.  How is it that a simple smile from her can have such a profound effect on me?

I walk closer, and our eyes meet briefly before she looks away. She’s a mystery, and she always will be. I have decided I like that explanation a lot better than the alternative. No matter how far we drift apart, and we are drifting, I will never accept that I don’t know who she is anymore.

I reach her table now, and she lets me join her. She’s right in front of me. I can touch her. But I don’t.  I want to hold her, but I don’t do that, either. I don’t do anything, and we just sit there. Her questions are unspoken, but I hear them loud and clear. I hear them; I just don’t have the answers.

Didn't know
Where the answer would be
We were looking
But somehow, some way
We couldn't see

Silence.

There was a time where it didn’t have to be uncomfortable not to speak. All we needed was a look, or a light touch of a hand. We didn’t need words. I look at him, place my hand over his and feel him react. It surprises him, but he offers a slight smile, and I feed on it; on the emotions he is unable to hide in this moment. But the moment shatters, and we settle into our routine once again.

Somewhere along the way we have come to depend on words. We need them to fill in the silence, and yet they mean nothing. I can see it in his eyes, the resignation. I want to scream, tell him that I don’t want this either.

You're the world where I belong

Those words could change my life, and I want to say them. There is nothing I would rather do than tell him how much he means to me, but I don’t know how. I don’t know how to free us from this vacuum. That’s the thing with words. Sometimes they get in the way.

You are my tomorrow

Her hand is on top of mine, and I look into those dark, expressive eyes while the thought swirl around in the back of my mind. She is. Deanna is the reason I wake up in the morning. Some day I hope she will be there when I fall asleep as well.

I get up from the chair, offering a hand to her. She gives me a puzzled look. I understand perfectly. I don’t know what I’m doing either, but I’ve resolved that that is a part of loving her. I’ve come to terms with it. So why is it so hard to tell her?

“Trust me.”

Faith
It can lift you up

I smile and follow him out of the lounge. I’m curious, but he keeps silent. Suddenly it isn’t so uncomfortable anymore.

“Will, what ---?”  I try again.

“Do you trust me, Deanna?”

He ‘s serious. We’ve reached the turbo lift now. I look at him as we step inside. He’s waiting.

“Yes.”

I know it has taken time for me to get here, but I hope someday he will longer have to ask.

I can’t remember when he last smiled at me that way. It takes me a few seconds to realize that I’m holding my breath.

The love was always there
It's been around us everywhere

Relief washes over me at her reassurance. The turbo lift moves soundlessly, carrying us on our way, and I watch her in silence. No words could ever express the way I feel, or the things I want to say. She turns to me. There’s a faint smile on her lips, and I see a new light in her eyes. It is as if I’m seeing her for the first time, and I suppose, in many ways, I am.

I had to fall to finally see
That you were right in front of me

He lets me enter first, and as I step inside his cabin I know. I know that from this moment on, my life will not ever be the same.

I turn around and step into the circle of his arms, and as he draws me closer we hear our hearts speak the words we couldn’t say.

A new beginning

Deanna’s soft breath caresses my face, and I brush my lips gently against hers when I see all I have hoped for, every wish my heart has ever made, mirrored in the depths of those mysterious eyes.

In the final hour
We'll find the joy in living

[-end-]