I walked away. Again. We were right there, at the edge of eternity, so
close to what was always meant to be. And yet I turned away from it and
She asked for time, and I understand. Of course I do. But I also
understand what it is she isnt saying, and that understanding is what
makes walking away even more painful.
Deanna doesnt trust me. She loves me, deeply and passionately with
everything she is. Exactly the way I love her.
But she doesnt trust me.
I wonder what she would say if I told her. If I told her that I miss her
and want nothing more than to have her here with me. I wonder what she
would say if I let her know that she is forever my mind, in my heart and
soul, and that I know, with painfully devastating certainty that my last
thought and breath will be for her.
Maybe she would smile, put that delicate hand to my cheek and watch me
close my eyes at the feeling as it fills my entire being with a sense of
calm that only she can give me. Maybe, then, she would lean in close
enough for me to catch the scent of her perfume of her and whisper,
softly, that she already knows. Maybe that is what would happen, because
she ought to know. She does know.
But she doesnt trust me. And she doesnt trust herself with me.
Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have her again, really have
her. What would it be like to have her in my mind, to feel her every
breath as if it were my own, to feel her touch, burning me, branding and
claiming me, for her own?
Some emotions, some feelings, are simply too powerful for words.
But does she know, I wonder, that I lie awake at night, seeing her,
hearing her, feeling her surrounding me her presence as strong as if she
were really here, beside me?
That is the blessing and the curse.
She knows, of course, she knows everything
in her mind. But it has been
too long, and too many mistakes have been made for her to dare believe it,
too, in her heart.
I make a quick decision, hurrying out of the confines of my quarters
before I fully realize the risk Im taking.
She needs time, wants space. And I will give it to her. But it is time I
give her something else, too.
She is surprised, just a little, but she lets me in. And when I kiss her,
she hesitates only for the shortest of moments before returning it.
Nothing ever felt this good. I would do everything, go through anything,
to feel this way, to make her feel the way I know she is feeling right
I feel her give in, surrender to me, and she is visibly surprised when I
step back. But this is what I want her to know, to finally understand. I
dont want her surrender; I never wanted it.
What I want, what I need, is for us to meet halfway. I need her to trust
me, not just with her mind but her heart, most of all.
And so I ask her to sit down. I ask her to listen, and I hope she does. I
really hope she does.
Its time to take a deep breath.
Its time to let down the shields Ive kept in place for so long.
Its time to be honest.