Disclaimer stands true. They own it I don’t…if I did,
well that’s a scary thought.
Rated: PG. Comedy
Note: you need to read the first penguins to get the
jest of this one…although none of them make any
sense…so it really doesn’t matter....:)
Okay, guys so here it begins...the story of a little
penguin that is born on the USS Enterprise.
Get that damn bird off my Ship!
“What is that, Number one?” The captain asked as he
stared at the huge oval object that his first officer
was holding. The first officer of the USS Enterprise
breathed in deeply and exhaled slowly as he stepped
off the transporter pad.
“It’s an egg, Sir.” Will replied respectfully,
looking down first at the object in question and then
again at the Captain.
“I’m well aware of that Number one…” the captain
stated with somewhat of displeasure to his voice.
“But,” he added “What type of egg is it?”
“A penguin egg, sir. Deanna wanted to bring it along
as a form of a souvenir.”
“I see…” The Captain stated showing no emotion to his
voice. “Did you get the report that I requested of
“Good. I’ll expect it on my desk as soon as you get
settled in…” Picard said as he began to walk through
the transporter room doors, he suddenly turned around.
“And Number one, please do something with that…egg.”
“Yes, Sir.” Riker answered standing erect, holding
the object of the captain’s concern.
“Will?” Beverly Crusher asked as she watched the
Captain exit. “What is that thing?”
“Oh hell, it’s a hollow penguin egg…” Riker exhaled as
soon as the doors of the transporter room slid shut
and the Captain was out of sight. “Deanna insisted I
bring it back as a souvenir.”
“Hollow? May I see it?”
“Yeah.” Riker picked up his backpack, handing the egg
“Where is Deanna?” Beverly asked never raising her
eyes, as she studied the huge oval egg.
“She should be transporting on board soon, there was
something she wanted to pick up from the market.”
Riker nodded indicating he was ready to escort Beverly
out of the transporter room. She didn’t move.
“Will, can I take this egg to the lab? There’s
something I’d like to check.” Beverly asked as she
eyed the large oval object.
“What?” Riker asked in astonishment. “That damn
thing is hollow, and you have no idea of what I had to
go through to get it…. Well, actually Deanna picked
it up….” He stumbled over his own words, “I was
preoccupied at the time.” He stated under his breath.
“Preoccupied?” Beverly’s ears perked up. She knew
there was more to his story than what the handsome
first officer was willing to confess.
“Okay, fine you can have the damn egg.” He quickly
agreed. Hoping she would change the subject. “Just
return it to Deanna when you’ve completed your
“I don’t think this thing is hollow, Will.” Beverly
said. “But I can’t be sure until I thoroughly examine
it and run some tests.”
“Are you telling me….” Grabbing her elbow and moving
her quickly to the side, Riker looked from one side of
the room to the other, making sure no one was within
listening distance of the two. “That…that… thing…may
have….One of those little monsters in it?”
“Yes.” Beverly laughed. “That is if incubation does
“Oh shhhhit.” Riker stated under his breath.
“Will, it’s just a baby penguin. Don’t get so upset.”
She couldn’t hide the smile that was beginning to span
across her face. “A baby penguin….” Beverly added,
“that will probably get you thrown out of Starfleet if
the captain discovers you’ve smuggled it onto this
ship.” She smiled.
“Smuggled?” Riker sounded shocked.
Beverly couldn’t hide her mischievous grin.
“Beverly…this isn’t funny.” Riker’s urgently
whispered. “Just go examine the damn thing…and if
that is a real egg…” he stated and was already turning
to leave the transporter room, “throw it out of an
“Will!” Beverly sounded appalled.
“When Deanna comes on board…I’m going to kill her.”
Riker thought, as anger surfaced upon his face, he
exited the transporter room.
Beverly watched as Will exited the transporter room.
The flickering lights of the transporter caught her
attention, turning her head. She stood and watched as
Deanna Troi materialized on the transporter pad.
“Deanna.” Beverly smiled as she walked over to hug her
best friend, “Welcome back…”
“Thank you. It’s good to be back, Beverly.” Deanna
smiled as she hugged her friend back. “You’ve got my
egg?” glancing down at the oval object Beverly was
holding. Looking about the transporter room, “Where’s
“Deanna…he’s pretty upset with you now.” Beverly
warned. “I would stay away from him for awhile.”
“Why is he upset with me? What did I do?”
“This.” Beverly stated bluntly holding up the egg.
“It’s just an egg.” Deanna shrugged it off. Choosing
to ignore the fact that Will was angry with her.
“Actually I’m late because I picked up this glass
showcase to keep it in so it doesn’t get broken. It
would make an interesting conversation piece, don’t
“Oh it’s made conversation, alright?” Beverly
laughed. “The Captain, Will, and including
myself…it’s all we’ve talked about since it came on
“Deanna, it may not be hollow.” Beverly stopped
walking and looked her friend in the eye. “I have to
examine it first though to be sure.”
“What?” Deanna appeared surprised. “Are you telling
me there may be a little bird in there?”
“I’m afraid so.”
“No wonder Will is so agitated.” Deanna began her
walk again. Her mind flashed back to Will in the
middle of all of those birds. She hooked her arm with
Beverly’s and continued speaking. “You have no idea
of what he had to go through to get that.” A smile
spread across her face.
“And I know you’re going to tell me, right?” Beverly
asked with a bit of enthusiasm to her voice.
“Oh most definitely.” Deanna smiled a mischievous
“I don’t believe it, Beverly.” Riker stood looking
through the glass of the incubator.
“Believe it Will.” Beverly answered, snapping the
tri-corder shut and putting it down deep in her lab
coat pocket. “There’s a real live penguin in there,
and by my calculations.” She breathed in slowly and
exhaled just as slowly. “It should hatch within the
next thirty six hours.”
“Thirty-six hours?” Will sounded shocked.
“I’m afraid so.” She answered with a serious nod of
her head. “You have to face the inevitable, Will.”
“And that inevitable would be?”
Beverly placed her hand gently on his shoulder, as if
she were about to be the barer of bad news, she shook
her head slowly before she continued. “You’re going
to be a daddy.” She whispered, as a smile began to
replace the serious look that she had upon her face
earlier. She laughed openly at the surprised look on
his face, turned, and walked off.
“What in the hell are we going to do with a penguin on
the Enterprise? What is the Captain going to say?
Will it be able to stay in the children’s part of the
ship? What is Deanna going to do with it? What the
hell am I going to do with it? Daddy? All of these
thoughts ran through Will’s head in a matter of
seconds, as he stood there hypnotized by the egg.
“What if there is more than one of you in there, what
if you twins, or triplets or worse…” Riker said aloud,
as if he were speaking to the oval object under the
lights of the incubator.
“May I advise you sir, that it is not wise to
calculate the quantity of juvenile poultry before the
process of incubation has fully materialized.” The
voice of Data sounded throughout the medical room,
making the first officer flinch suddenly.
Riker slowly turned his head towards the golden faced
android, who was now walking towards him.
“Data. Are you telling me not to count my chickens
before they hatch?”
“That is correct, Sir.” The android stated with a
nod. “And it would appear you are doing just that,
Both human and android stood silently and studied the
egg inside the glass casing.
“May I voice an observation, Sir.” Data finally asked
breaking the silence.
“Sir, if you do not wish to welcome or assume your
paternal obligation. It would suffice to say that I
most certainly would consider it an honor to adopt
this unusual life form.” Data’s eyes flashed. “It
would appear Commander that a penguin aboard the USS
Enterprise would be one of a kind, sir.” The golden
android looked at the Commanding officer and then
added, “Such as myself.”
Will just stood and looked blankly at Data. “You want
to adopt a penguin?” he asked through squinted eyes.
“Yes, sir.” Data answered innocently. “With your
permission of course.”
“Data.” Will shook his head unbelievingly. “What in
the hell are you going to do with a penguin?”
“I can not tell you that I would love it, as you
yourself are capable of doing Commander. I am
incapable and can not feel emotions such as love sir.
Although I am proficient in specific programs that
deal with the care and maintenance of one point three
million specific life forms.”
“And a penguin is one of those specific life forms?”
Data stared blankly at the Commander and slightly
clicked his head to the right, as if his data banks
were processing something.
“No sir.” Data’s shoulders slightly fell. “It is
“Data.” Will inhaled deeply and exhaled slowly, he
felt sorry for the magnificent golden android. Data
stood there and innocently stared at him waiting for
“Sir?” Data’s eyes flashed.
“Get a cat.” The first officer stated rather bluntly,
not really knowing what else to say. Riker then
cocked his head to the side and walked around Data
exiting the medical room.
“Yes, sir.” The android stated with an obedient nod
of his head. Data took one last glance at the resting
penguin egg and whirled around, following behind the
“It’s true, Worf.” Riker confirmed, as he sat the
drink that he had in his hand on the table in front of
“And you are the father?” Worf asked bluntly.
“No, that’s absurd.” Riker laughed aloud at the
thought. The expression on Worf’s face instantly
dissolved his laughter. “Hell no I’m not the father.
It’s a bird, Worf.”
“And how did you acquire this egg?” Worf asked.
“I was going to…well….” he looked over to Worf who sat
with an impatient look on his face awaiting an answer.
“Deanna took it. She thought it was vacuous.”
“And it was not?” The expression on Worf’s face never
“Nope.” Will sipped his drink.
“An outside life form.” Worf stated with a look of
concentration. “It very well may be a threat to the
ship, Commander.” he locked eyes with the commander.
His voice took a sudden change to its usual proud
Klingon roar. “We should seize it now!” He demanded
as his fist slammed onto the table. Will’s shot glass
jumped a half an inch into the air from the impact of
the mighty warrior.
“It isn’t a threat to the ship, Worf!” Riker snapped
suddenly and a little too loudly.
Every one in ten forward, began to mumble and turn
their heads towards the two senior officers.
“As you were!” Worf barked to the patrons.
Everyone in ten forward turned away their stares
“It isn’t a threat to the ship Worf.” Riker repeated
in a normal tone of voice. “It may very well prove to
be a threat to my job, though.” He sighed and took a
sip of his drink.
“The honorable thing to do, Commander. Is to….” he
sat up straight, squaring both of his broads Klingon
shoulders. “Fry it.” He stated dryly.
Riker looked at him in total disbelief. Worf was
serious. Worf was absolutely beyond a shadow of a
“For breakfast, Sir.” Worf instructed with a very
“Thanks I’ll make a note of that, Worf.” Will said,
quickly downing his drink. He stood up and nodded,
giving Worf a silent goodbye. He turned and exited
out of ten-forward.
“No, just going over some of the ship’s diagnostic
readouts.” Geordi answered setting the padd down.
“What can I do for you commander?”
“I guess you’ve heard?” Will said softly as he walked
towards his friend in engineering.
“About the egg?” Geordi couldn’t hide the smile
behind his face. “Yeah, I heard. Data told me all
“Data wanted to adopt the damn thing, and Worf thinks
I should fry it.” Will stated. “For breakfast.”
“Sounds like Worf” Geordi laughed, “Glad he’s on our
“Tell me about it.” Will smiled.
“The Captain knows?” Geordi asked.
“Yeah.” Will nodded soberly. “He hasn’t really
discussed the issue Captain to Commander per say, but
“So when is the little guy suppose to hatch?”
“In about twenty hours.”
“Hey, Commander.” Geordi had a look on inspiration on
“It’s Deanna’s egg, right?”
“It was Deanna who picked it up. Hell, she was the
one who insisted I get the damn thing. But,” he
added. “It wasn’t her fault Geordi, she thought it
was hollow. For some damn reason everyone thinks it’s
mine, because I carried it onto the ship.
“But, you carried it on the ship for the Counselor,
and so it shouldn’t just be your responsibility………”
Geordi said with a wave of his hands urging Will to
continue on with the conversation.
“ It should be…. The Counselor’s…. She needs to take
care of the egg…” Will smiled, “after it hatches…. Of
Both men smiled at one another for a moment as if they
had just had a great revelation.
“Wait…wait….” Will said, holding up both hands.
“If I make Deanna take full responsibility of that
little bird, that wouldn’t seem quite fair and she
probably would never speak to me again.”
“That’s not what I’m saying. She won’t have to take
full responsibility, Commander.”
“It may work, Geordi.” Will said with a twinkle in
his eye. “Keep your finger’s crossed. I’m going to go
talk to Deanna.” He turned to walk away; he turned
back slowly and faced the engineer. “Thanks Geordi.”
“Hey Commander?” Geordi called out.
“Did you order Data to get a cat? He’s been in his
room most of the morning, running information across
his data banks on different varieties of felines. He
finally decided on a yellow tabby. He named it Spot.”
“Spot?” Will stated with squinted eyes. “Data named
his cat, Spot?”
“Believe it, Commander. He said that was the most
common humanoid identification for a pet.”
“Tell Data Spot better not eat Deanna’s penguin.”
“I’ll do that, Commander.” Geordi laughed picking up
his padd again. “I’ll do that.”
Will stood outside of Deanna’s office for a full
minute. He knew she would be angry with him. He had
been a jerk to her when he found out that the egg was
in fact an actual hatchling. He yelled at her a
little too loudly, and his anger once again got the
best of him. He inhaled deeply and exhaled slowly,
before he rang the door chime to her office.
“Come.” He heard her voice on the other side of the
“Got a minute?” He peeped his head just inside the
Deanna straightened her posture in her chair, placing
the padd that she had in her hand on the couch beside
her. “Yes.” She stood to her feet, and stated in her
most professional voice. “Please, come in Commander.”
“You’re awfully professional today.” Will smiled as
he sauntered slowly into her office.
Deanna ignored his gibe, she was upset with him, and
he knew it. “What can I assist you with, Commander?”
she asked never wavering from her professional stance.
“All right.” With a nod of his head, clicking both of
his heels together, he portrayed his most professional
posture. “I order you to take full responsibility of
the penguin, Counselor.”
“You what!” Deanna yelled in disbelief. Her
shoulders fell and her dark eyes flashed.
“I said, I order you.”
“I heard you! I just can’t believe you.” She snapped,
cutting him off.
“What happened to professionalism?” he teased with a
“You weren’t being professional, you were being a
jerk.” She glared at him, and then she exploded.
“And if you think for one minute that you can just
come in here and…try to order me…like this is some
sort of game…you’ve got…another…”
“Okay, okay” He grabbed her shoulders. “You’re
absolutely right, I was being a smart ass.”
She continued to glare at him, now with crossed arms.
His voice slowly changed to a more serious nature. He
softly apologized, “I’m sorry for being angry with you
when we arrived on the ship, and I’m sorry for
snapping at you when I found out the egg wasn’t void.
“And I was a jerk. I wasn’t certain, call it
insecurity, vanity, or what ever you want to. I
didn’t really know if I was ready to handle the
Captain, the crew and a penguin all at the same time,
Deanna.” At least he was being honest; it was all he
could be with Deanna Troi. She had a way of making
him face his demons.
She studied him for a moment and then smiled warmly,
as her anger melted.
“I’ll help you take care of the baby penguin, Will.”
“You will?” his voice filled with enthusiasm and
“All you had to do was ask.”
He looked at her and smiled, he brought her body
towards his, and embraced her.
“That is why you came in here wasn’t it?”
“Yes, and to apologize.” He laid his lips softly on
the top of her head.
“Apology accepted, Commander.” She smiled, pushing
away from him in order for her to look into his eyes.
He lowered his head and gave her a gentle kiss on the
lips. “And to do that.” He smiled.
“I had fun on vacation.”
“It was quite an experience.” She smiled at the
thought of Will falling down on his behind side on the
ice. “Do you have any bruises?”
“Come back to my quarters and I’ll show you.” He said
with a lopsided grin and a raise of his eyebrows.
“Only you would suggest that” she laughed, as she
playfully pushed him away from her.
“Admit it. You only love me for my body.” He grabbed
her and pulled her close to him again. “Or was it for
“If it were your brains Commander.” She stated gazing
into his eyes. “I would have gladly given you a
refund a long time ago.”
The smile on his face turned to stone.
[[Captain Picard to Riker]]
Will rolled his eyes at Deanna, taking one step away
from her; he tapped his com-badge. [[Riker here.]]
[[Could you come to transporter room four? And bring
the Counselor with you]]
[[On our way, sir. Riker out.]]
“I wonder what that was all about?” Deanna asked as
they walked down the winding corridors of the
“It’s the Antedeans delegates. They are expected on
“Aren’t they the species that have a familiarity
with…” Her voice trailed off, as she attempted to keep
up with his steady gait.
“Fish? Fish Deanna, and yes they are.” Riker cut in
finishing her thoughts. He tapped the button to the
“Oh my gods, and penguins eat fish.” Deanna gasp
entering the turbo-lift.
“Exactly. And Spot eats birds and fish.” Riker said
with a raise of his eyebrows. He followed behind the
counselor and stepped onto the turbo-lift. Tapping
the padd on the panel once inside, “Transporter room
“Will, who is Spot?” Deanna asked looking up to him.
He simply glanced over at her while the doors of the
“Energize.” Captain Picard ordered the transporter
Materializing before them were two Antedeans. They
were seven feet tall and a metallic silver in color;
they were dressed in white robes and had very large
eyes wide opened eyes. Their head resembled that of a
fish, complete with fish whiskers. Possessing silvery
colored fins that served as arms, they stood firmly
never wavering. They stood frozen.
“Are they in stasis, sir?” Riker asked quietly, never
removing his eyes from silent stance of the aliens.
“No, number one. They are not, they simply transferred
from the planets surface to the ship.” Picard quietly
answered his number one officer.
“I am Captain Jean Luc Picard of the USS Enterprise.”
The captain politely introduced himself to the alien
“Weeeb boogglaas booblaaah.” They responded with a
bow of their head.
“Yes.” Picard said as he released a breath,
pretending he knew just what in the hell the Antedeans
had just said. “Please Counselor, show our guest to
She obediently nodded, “If you would follow me.” She
politely stated, gesturing outwardly with her arm.
“And Commander, please have their food supply barrels
transported to their rooms.” Picard ordered without
looking at the Commander. He followed behind the
Counselor leaving a dumbfounded Commander standing.
“Yes, sir.” Riker responded to Picard’s back.
“Apparently one is female and the other is male.”
Deanna stated as she leaned forward on the table in
the ten-forward lounge. “I sensed that from their
minds, they do actually have primitive minds.
“How can you tell? I mean physically.” Geordi asked.
The counselor looked towards Geordi, really not sure
as to how to answer his question.
“I guess if one swims upstream…” Will begin.
“Will!” Deanna scolded cutting him off.
[[Doctor Crusher to Commander Riker]] Saved by the
bell Will thought to himself with a smug grin. He
tapped his com-badge.
[[Riker here.]] He breathed. [[Go ahead Doctor]]
[[Will it’s time, your little penguin is making it’s
way into the universe]]
Will quickly glanced over towards Deanna with a look
of surprise and also of anticipation.
[[On our way. Riker out]]
All three quickly stood to their feet and headed
towards the medical lab of sickbay.
Deanna, Will, Geordi, Data and Worf all watched as the
little hatchling fought its way out of the hard egg
shell that had been it’s home. The oval shaped egg
began to crack revealing a little fuzzy head. Soon
afterwards the rest of its fuzzy little body emerged
from the hardened now broken shell.
“That doesn’t look like a penguin Will.” Deanna
observed, with a cock of her head. “Where’s his
little tuxedo?” she asked.
“Deanna, they are born covered with feathers.” Will
stated never taking his gaze from the tiny little
creature in front of him.
“Remarkable.” Data marveled as he stared through the
glass, his golden eyes flashed. “Truly magnificent.”
“Yeah.” Geordi agreed, as he watched the little bird
struggle to stand on its two wobbly feet.
“I still say fry it.” Worf stated dryly. He stood
erect with both arms folded proudly in front of him.
All eyes widened and turned towards Worf in amazement.
“For dinner, with Klingon blood worms.” He added
seriously, never allowing a smile.
"How are the delegates doing, Mr. Worf." Picard asked
the huge Klingon Security Officer.
"They are in their quarters, Sir." Worf answered,
"Resting?" Riker questioned.
"Resting." Worf confirmed with a stiff necked
With a raise of his eyebrows Riker turned around,
thinking it would be best just to leave Worf alone for
"Set course for sector seven…. Heading two eight
seven point six one, ensign.
"Aye, sir. Heading set."
"Engage." Picard ordered.
All eyes turned towards the turbo lift as Deanna Troi
made her way to the bridge. She had a look of
haggardness sketched across her face. It looked as if
she had just gotten out of bed, or she had been
wrestling with a bunch of ferengi all night.
"Are you all right, Counselor?" Picard asked quickly
noticing her distraught look.
"Yes, Captain." She answered quietly. "I suppose I
just didn’t get adequate rest last night."
"Perhaps you should see the ships Doctor." Picard
"No. No thank you for your concern, Captain." She
inhaled. "I’m sure I’ll be fine."
After studying her for a moment longer, Picard decided
to let it rest. "Very well."
~~~ Deanna, you look…~~~ Riker sent using their link,
with a sly grin he added ~~~ Wonderful ~~~
Her head immediately snapped towards the commander and
she glared an icy stare at him. His only response to
her stare was a raise of his eyebrows. He knew she
had stayed up all night with the baby penguin, feeding
it, the bird had an insatiable appetite. When the
bird wasn’t feeding it was squawking loudly for food.
He had gone through it just the night before, and she
offered to keep the tiny black and white bird in her
cabin, yet he purposely failed to inform her of it’s
constant non-stop high shrill barking and demanding
Picard noticed immediately the transfer between the
two, he didn’t quite understand it, but he knew
something had just happened. He looked first to Riker,
whose face immediately became like stone making the
mischievous grin across his face vanish. Then to Troi
whose scowl towards Riker immediately turned into a
smile and a courteous nod. Then back to Riker who sat
in his chair, displaying perfect posture, with eyes
towards the view screen, as if nothing had happened,
between the two. Shrugging it off thinking that his
first officer and counselor must have had a spat, he
sat back in his chair.
"Gotta minute?" Deanna looked up and saw Will Riker
standing in the doorway of her office.
"Please come in, Commander." She answered putting
down the pad that she held in her hand.
"Why didn’t you tell me that it had such a demanding
feeding schedule? Will that thing squawked all night
long. I spent three hours on the bridge fighting
fatigue, and then I practically fell asleep during one
of my appointments, my client had to wake me up."
Riker attempted to hide his smile as he listened to
"You think it’s funny?"
"Not actually funny, Deanna." He quickly offered
behind his smile. "I can just relate that’s all. I
had the same experience night before last remember? I
remember all too well the feeding schedule and the
"You neglected to tell me that."
"I didn’t want to frighten you." He said with a
"I’m hungry, let’s go have dinner." She suggested
ignoring his snide little reminder of what she had
said to him just months prior in the captain’s ready
"After you." Riker smiled, extending an arm out.
Walking down the corridors of the ship, both Riker and
Troi headed towards the turbo lift.
"Commander?" A voice called after them.
Both of them turned around, only to find Data
hurriedly walking towards them.
"Excuse me, Commander." Data stated with a nod of his
head, "If I may ask you a question?"
"What is it Data?" The commander of the enterprise
answered as he halted his steps, waiting for the
android to catch up.
"Your penguin sir? I believe I have programmed myself
to ape the exact sounds that a small penguin would
make during its growing process." He stated never
allowing a change in his facial expressions. "Allow
me to demonstrate, Sir."
Both Riker and Troi stood motionless glancing at one
another quickly not really believing what Data was
saying to them.
"ARK!! ARK!" The android began to bark. "ARK! ARK!
"Data…..Data…..DATA!" Riker quickly interrupted the
android and his barking.
Data mouth immediately snapped shut. "Sir?" he
"We get the picture."
"Picture, Sir?" Data had a look of confusion across
"We get the idea Data." Troi explained quietly.
"Ah…yes, counselor." The android stated with a nod,
as if he understood.
"If I may, Sir?" Data directed his question towards
Riker, "Take your penguin for the night and care and
feed it. I do not require sleep as you are fully
aware of. I would be honored if you would allow me to
watch your pet." He offered.
"Certainly Data." Riker answered quickly. "The bird
is in the children’s nursery for the day. You can pick
it up there."
"I shall go attain the penguin now sir." Data’s eyes
flashed as if he was excited at the possibility of
being able to baby-sit the squawking little nuisance.
"Yes, carry on." Riker ordered.
"Thank you, Commander." Data nodded, he whirled
around and headed towards the ship’s nursery. "ARK!
ARK. ARK…ARK" the android practiced as he walked down
the corridor of the ship.
All heads turned the next morning as Data entered the
bridge, he was being followed by a waddling little one
and a half foot tall black and white little sharp
beaked penguin. Data sat down at his station and the
penguin stood patiently beside him.
The Captain noticed the small visitor immediately, he
looked first at Troi and then to Riker before his eyes
rested fully on the little bird. "Mr. Data?" he
questioned as he took a step towards the android.
Data whirled around in his chair, "Sir?"
"What is that?"
"A penguin, Captain." Data answered before the
captain could ask another question.
"I’m fully aware of that Commander. My question is
what is it doing on my bridge?"
"It followed me, Sir. That is a penguin’s habitat and
procedure, sir. To follow the older guardian penguins
of the herd. It relies on the older birds of the herd
for protection and for food sir."
"Are you telling me that this…. Penguin……. Believes
that you are it’s parent?"
"I believe that is correct, sir."
"Data." The captain began and took one step towards
The small little bird immediately went on the defense,
as it ruffled its feathers, stuck out its neck, and
began to bark loudly at the Captain. "ARK! ARK!
ARK!" it began to squawk and hiss at the captain,
attempting to shoo him away from Data.
The captain took a step back as the little bird’s
barking and hissing became louder.
"ARK, ARK!" Data responded, bending down and setting
the little bird on his lap. All eyes watched as the
fat little arctic bird settled down at the sound of
the androids voice. The penguin immediately snuggled
under Data’s arm and began to relax.
"Data, please…. Remove your pet from my bridge." The
captain finally stated, it was evident that he was
irritated at the presence of the small intruder on his
"Yes, sir." The android stated as he began to stand
the small bird still in his arms. "But, I must
correct you sir, it is not my pet. I am only assuming
the role of caretaker for a short amount of time, the
true owner is Commander Riker."
"Number One. Will you please remove your pet." The
captain ordered not turning around.
"Yes, sir." Riker answered as he stood and walked
The penguin began to bark and hiss at Riker as he
approached the android.
"Data." The captain immediately barked. His tone of
voice making it evident that he wanted the pet off of
his bridge now.
"Yes, sir." Data immediately answered as he began to
walk towards the turbo-lift. "I will take it to the
"Carry on." The captain ordered the bridge crew, as
the turbo lift doors shut. He sat back down in his
commanding chair and crossed his legs. "Riker, we
need to have a talk." He quietly stated to his second
in charge who was now seated to his right.
"Yes, sir." Riker answered stiffly, knowing that he
was in big trouble.
"Commander Riker, Counselor as you both well know…."
Captain Picard began as he slowly paced across the
ready room with a steaming hot cup of earl gray tea.
"We can not have a penguin running free aboard this
"Yes sir." All Riker could do was agree.
"I would suggest that you…." The captain paused
slightly, "find more suitable accommodations…."
"Sir, with all due respect." Deanna intervened, "The
bird was supposed to be in the children’s nursery
during our working hours. Data simply offered to sit
with it for a few days. In order to give us both some
sleeping time." She continued, "The penguin has an
insatiable appetite, that demands around the clock
The Captain responded in silence, as he waited for her
"It has adapted to Data’s language and perceives Data
as a parental figure. It was simply trying to protect
"I’ve gathered that." The captain agreed his voice
"I’m certain that this situation can be resolved,
sir." Riker stated attempting to help Deanna.
"It had better be Commander or I will…." The captain
stated in a no nonsense tone of voice.
Riker and Troi quickly glanced over at one another and
then back to the Captain.
[[Worf to Captain Picard]] the overhead COM quickly
interrupted his sentence.
[[Yes. Mr. Worf]]
[[Captain….]] The big Klingon hesitated slightly.
[[What is it lieutenant?]]
[[The penguin sir, it’s attempting to eat the
The Captains eyes widened quickly glancing over at
Riker and Troi. "What?" he whispered to himself.
[[Permission to set phasers on kill, sir?]] The
chief of security requested, it was evident in his
voice that he wanted to blast this little bird.
"No!" Riker suddenly sprang to his feet.
[[We’ll be right there, Mr. Worf.]]
All three quickly exited out of the ready room. Not
knowing exactly what they would come into contact
with, and both not knowing how to handle the
aggressive little bird.
Walking down the corridor both men noticed how the
small little bird had the female Allurian guest pinned
in the turbo lift. It was hissing, and pecking at her
lower legs and feet, barking wildly at the giant fish
type alien. Apparently this little bird had found a
"Booooblllea…bllobllooble" she stated in hysteria as
she attempted to dodge the little birds attack.
The whole scene reminded Riker of someone dodging
bullets by dancing as the little bird continued to
peck and bark.
ARK! ARK! ARK!!
"Apprehend that bird, Mr. Worf." Picard demanded.
"Sir." The huge Klingon nodded as he lunged forward
and picked up the little black and white bird,
wrestling it in his arms. The birds sharp blood
producing pecks and screams went unnoticed by the huge
Klingon. Worf stood proudly with the penguin in a
secure lock within his strong arms.
"Oh shit." Riker thought, remembering that exact hold
he had on another penguin not too long ago.
The bird retaliated by making a very loud belching
noise and then proceeded to puke all over the
Klingon’s silver sash. The yellow thick gooze slowly
making it’s way down the Klingon’s uniform.
More so out of shock and disgust Worf suddenly
released the little bird and it tumbled to the floor
at his feet. The Klingon’s eyes filled with sudden
fury as he quickly withdrew his weapon and targeted
the little bird.
"Now you die!" he declared in true Klingon warrior
"ARK! ARK!" it barked as it quickly scampered and
waddled down the carpeted corridor of the ship.
"No! Worf!" Now it was Deanna who quickly intervened
after witnessing the regurgitation. The sound of her
voice stopping the Klingon from totally disintegrating
the little bird.
"I’ll secure the animal, Captain." Riker stated,
secretly thankful that Deanna had come to his rescue.
"See that you do, Number one." The Captain agreed
attempting to keep his voice in a normal tone, he was
trying to bring order to a very chaotic and unusual
situation. "And find Data, perhaps he can communicate
with it somehow." He whispered to his first officer.
"This is an outrage." Picard heard the Allurian say.
"I’ll see to our guest." Deanna offered. The
Allurian was upset, and angry. No one could blame
her, she had just been attacked and threatened to be
eaten alive on a Federation flagship.
Riker nodded towards the Captain and took off running
after the small barking nuisance as it rounded the
corner of the corridor.
"It should die today!" Worf barked as he stared at
the small little bird that had been sedated and was
now resting peacefully with its head under it’s wing,
inside of its glass enclosure.
"Oh come on, Worf. It’s just a baby." Beverly
"Do these look like the bites of a…baby?" Worf was
directing his statement towards the numerous amounts
of scratches and pecks that enveloped his blood
"Let me have a look at those." Beverly quickly
grabbed the Klingon’s arm and headed him towards a
bio-bed. "You should of said something, Worf."
"Klingons do not complain about bites from a…Baby."
Worf stated refusing to lay down on the bed.
Ignoring the Klingon, Beverly grabbed his hand and
began to run a skin rejuvenator over his huge burly
"There good as new." She smiled as she examined her
work one final time.
"Hmmmpt. I still protest, it should die." Worf
Beverly gave a slight chuckle as she watched Worf
march proudly out of sickbay.
"Doctor?" Data inquired as he quickly side stepped
out of the way of the departing Worf.
"I was wondering, have you seen Spot?"
"My cat, Doctor. It is named Spot. I find that that
is the most suitable and popular name for a pet.
Although Fluffy, Tabby, Tiger, and Kitty were very
common among feline names. I have come to the
conclusion after diagnosing over one hundred seventy
two thousand names for a domestic animal that the most
popular name was Spot."
"I see. What does Spot look like Data?"
"A cat, Doctor." Data concluded. "Perhaps I should
speak in a language that felines are beckoned, thus….
If I whistle that is the most common summons to use
when trying to get the attention of a canine.
Although Spot does not respond to a whistle, I have
found that if I repeat the word kitty over and over
again that does not seem conclusive…Spot appears to be
[[Bridge to Lieutenant Commander Data]] The COMM
sounded, and as if someone flipped a switch inside of
Data he stopped in mid sentence.
[[You are needed on the Bridge Commander.]]
[[On my way, Sir.]] The android quickly acknowledged.
With a quick nod directing it towards Beverly he
turned and exited out of sickbay.
"Fish, birds and now Cats…" Beverly stated under her
breath as she picked up the padd and began reading it
going about her daily duties. "I’ve got to talk to
Jean Luc…. I can’t wait to see the expression on his
face." She couldn’t hide the smirky little grin that
curled her upper lip.
"Deanna, what in the hell are we going to do?" Riker
stated urgently across the table in ten-forward. "The
Captain is upset with both of us for bringing that
damn bird aboard. And to top it off, Worf is ready to
kill you and me and then fry the damn thing."
"Both?" Deanna responded in a shocked tone of voice.
"You carried the egg onto the ship, Will Riker."
"Me!" he exploded in a quiet whisper.
"Yes, you." She stated with solidity, the calm never
leaving her voice. "You did this, all by yourself."
"I can’t believe you just said that…." He almost
laughed at the thought of her letting him take the
whole blame for this mess. "You were the one who
picked up that damn egg and decided you wanted it for
a souvenir, Deanna."
"And you were the one who brought it onto the ship. I
thought it was hollow. I had nothing to do with it."
She said innocently. "This is your mess, Will Riker.
He simply glared at her in disbelief. "You’re still
mad at me for taking you to the Northern parts of the
Yukon aren’t you?"
"Don’t be silly." She stated ignoring his growing
"No, I’m not. You’re upset with me because I used our
vacation time for an expedition."
"I can sense you’re feeling ill at ease, Will."
"You’re damn right I’m ill at ease." He snapped at
her. "I’m a hell of a lot more than that Deanna."
She calmly sipped her drink and her eyes sparkled over
the top of her glass.
"Who are you?" he asked through squinted eyes. "I
thought we were in this together."
Deanna raised her head as if to sniff the air and her
eyes sparkled with mischief as she looked at the First
Officer. "I’m who I say I am Will. Deanna Troi,
Counselor of the USS Enterprise. I’m intelligent, I
work hard, I love chocolate and who or what my mother
says I am isn’t my fault."
A moment of silence passed between the two as Riker
concentrated on where exactly the Counselor was coming
"Look, Deanna." Riker stated in a normal tone as he
sat back in his chair. "All right I’ll take blame for
the whole thing just tell me what to do."
He looked at her and noticed the small grin that was
now spreading across her face.
"I’m only teasing…. I’m as guilty as you are
Commander." She smiled as he let down his guard.
"And, what * we * are going to do is…." She
emphasized, " to talk to the Captain ask for a day or
two off, and then we’ll take it back to its flock."
"Deanna we are light years away from earth."
"I realize that Will." She stated as she sipped her
drink. "We’ll just take a shuttle to the nearest star
base and go from there."
"Maybe you’re right." He exhaled, blowing the hair
that hung down on his forehead.
"You’ll see." She reassured him, reaching over and
grabbing his hand. "Have I ever been wrong?" she
He responded with a lopsided grin, and a wink.
"You’re unbelievable you know that?"
"Shall we go back to the Bridge, Counselor?" Riker
stated with a smile and an extension of his arm.
"Lead the way, Commander."
Walking arm and arm down the corridors of the
Enterprise towards the bridge.
"Kitty." They heard Data’s voice as it called out
"Kitty. Kitty." Data wondered about the hallways
looking to and fro for his pet cat.
"Data what in the hell are you doing?" Riker asked as
he approached the android.
"I’ve misplaced Spot, sir." The android answered
"Spot?" Deanna asked.
"My cat, Counselor." Data stated with a nod directing
his answer towards Deanna.
"If you’ll excuse me." Data stated with no emotion
his voice never wavering. "Kitty."
"Data that’s not how you summons a cat." Riker said.
"You need to almost sing the words not simply speak
them without emotion."
"But I have no emotions, Commander." The android
explained. "Perhaps you could illustrate the precise
pitch volume and tone of vocal clarity that I should
program into my database to beckon Spot."
Riker didn’t answer right away; he tugged on his ear
and silently glanced towards Deanna for help.
"Data perhaps the Computer can help you locate Spot."
Deanna quickly came to Riker’s rescue.
Before he could answer Geordi came running at full
speed down the corridor…towards the trio of friends.
"Commander, we’ve got a problem." Geordi exclaimed as
he attempted to catch his breath.
"What is it, Geordi?" Riker asked his voice edged
"Spot and the penguin…. Somehow they got into the
Jeffries tubes and now they have found their way to
the guest cabin."
"They are in the Allurians quarters."
"Oh shit." Riker thought.
"It seems the cat and the bird are trying to eat our
delegates for dinner." Geordi almost laughed at the
absurdity of the situation. "I’m telling you,
Commander. Feathers, fur and fish scales are flying
everywhere in there."
"Come on!" Riker quickly order as all four ran after
him down the corridor, hoping to get there before the
Chief of Security did, or the Captain.
Just as the door of the guest quarters swished opened
out ran Spot at lightening speed in between Data’s
legs knocking the android down as he fell to the
ground with a thud. Then behind Spot came a little
black and white bird belly down tobogganing as if it
were sliding down slopes in between Riker’s legs.
Riker lunged forward at the little bird, missing he
fell head first into a huge burly Klingon tackling
him, making the huge Klingon fall backwards from the
bulk of Riker’s weight.
The back of Worf’s head thudded against the opposite
wall. The huge Klingon let out an OOOFFF! Riker
witnessed how the Klingon’s eyes flashed with rage as
he quickly pushed the first officer off of him. And
Worf quickly rose to his feet.
Suddenly one Allurian guest barreled out of the room
yelling and screaming in a language that no one could
understand, apparently in a state of shock. The white
silver robe that he was wearing was in shattered rags
and the fin that at one time stood erect on top of its
head now flopped to the side. Part of his whiskers
were gone along with part of his scales on one side of
his body. Not really knowing or caring where it was
going it plowed into Worf knocking them both down….
landing squarely on top of Worf.
Worf pushed the Allurian off of him and rose to his
feet he quickly straightened his clothing and assisted
the Allurian guest in an upright position. The
Allurian took off hysterically in a panic running down
the ships corridor.
"Now I am…Upset." Worf stated in a calm voice as he
glanced at Riker who was now standing erect tugging at
his uniform top attempting to compose himself from the
tumble. "Sir." He added and then he took off with
weapons ready down the corridor of the ship in the
opposite direction of the Allurian. In pursuit of the
cat and the bird.
"Would I be correct in the assumption that Lieutenant
Worf is premeditating to harm Spot and the Penguin,
"Yeah, that’s pretty damn correct Data."
"Then I must stop him." Data took off running down
the corridor after a very irritated Worf.
"You may enter." Data said, as he rose from his seat, the small feline jumped off of his lap and quickly ran across the room.
"Data." Riker said with a curt nod of his head. "We’ve transported the Allurians safely back down to the surface."
He got no response. How in the world was he going to tell his friend that he had to give up his pet? Oh well, might as well get this over with. Riker breathed in deeply and began. "I’ve also come to tell you. We have to take the penguin back to it’s home world."
Without speaking Data walked over to the cage that held the little mischievous bird and stuck his finger through one of the grids. The small bird immediately barked and bit down on the androids finger. Hard. Riker’s face drew up slightly, as he watched the little birds beak clamp down on the golden finger of the android. Within seconds Riker had glanced down at the android and then at the bird and then back at the android, who’s face remained emotionless.
"He’s biting you Data…." Riker said through squinted eyes. "Doesn’t that hurt?" Riker asked in confusion.
"Not at all…I am incapable of feeling pain, Commander. I have found that it is the penguins way of saying ‘hello’." The golden android then turned his attention towards the small little bird and responded with a loud. "ARK. ARK." The little bird’s mouth opened and he let go of the android’s finger. "I am under order’s to keep you in confinement. I would appear that you have caused havoc on the ship." The android spoke to the small arctic bird.
"The captain wants you to accompany the Counselor and myself to return the bird back to it’s habitat." Riker informed the android. "We’ll beam down to the surface in…" then suddenly something caught the commander’s eye…and his voice began to trail. "In…. Seventy two hours."
"Of course Commander. Is something wrong, sir?"
Riker’s attentions were drawn to a corner of Data’s sparely decorated quarters. "What in the hell is that?" The Commander asked, referring to a golden ball of what looked like fuzz. It was a round ball of fuzz. Riker squatted down and began to investigate the mass ball of fur. Cautiously he reached out and touched it.
An instant later the mass of fur came alive and a ball of fur came alive, lunging out towards the young Commander face.
"Ohhhh shit!" Riker exclaimed, jumping backwards falling flat on his back. The cat then stood on Riker’s chest and hissed, arching its back. All Riker could see was the sharp little fangs that almost dripped with venom and the sparkle of evil in the cat’s oblong eyes. The cat’s paw immediately slapped at the handsome commander missing his face by only inches. Just as fast as it happened the cat quickly ran off and scurried under the androids bed.
Data reached down and automatically took the six foot four commander by the wrist and with one effortlessly tug, pulled the Commander to his feet. "With all due respect sir, I do not believe that, that was Shit. That was Spot. My cat." He stated as an absolute. Then his eyes glittered as if he were pondering something. " Inquiry, Sir? You often refer to the word, ‘shit’ just as the Captain refers to ‘merde.’ Is there a reason for that?"
The android’s mouth immediately clamped shut. He then asked, "Are you all right, Sir?"
"Yeah…." Riker answered still apparently shaken by his encounter with the small ball of fur. "Data, what in the hell is wrong with your cat?"
"Wrong, Sir?" The android asked innocently. "Spot is in a rather frolic-some mood. I have found that most felines enjoy playing. I have thus obtained a ball of yarn, and a bogus mouse, it was with the advice of the Counselor that I obtain a bogus rodent. She threatened to strangle me if I produced a live rodent, although the concept of strangulation is highly unlikely." The androids train of thought was suddenly shifted into what Riker referred to as ‘left field."
"I’ve got some cat-nip, an orb that has what is referred to as bells inside of it. A sock, that is Starfleet issue… and other small objects. Although I must say, I find Spot rather finicky in what he enjoys."
"Play?!" Riker asked as the vision of the ferocious feline just missing his jaw by meters with it’s sharpened talons. "Are you telling me that Spot was playing?"
"I believe I am sir." The android answered innocently.
"Remind me, never to play with your cat." Riker stated dryly.
"Never play with my cat." Data repeated.
"I said…never play with my cat, Sir. In response to your ‘remind me never to play with your cat.’ I simply did as you requested sir. How often would you like me to remind you never to play with my cat, Sir? At what intervals am I to say, "Never play with my cat.", Commander?"
"Data, forget that all right?"
"Allow me to erase my memory banks…." With a slight tilt of his head the android erased the request. "Void complete. It is forgotten, sir?
"I suggest you wear something warm when we take the penguin back."
"Warm, sir?" Now the android was really confused.
"It’s cold…below freezing, where we’ll be going."
"I’m aware of that, Sir."
"I hate to ask this, but I have to." Riker stated looking at the android. "Won’t you freeze up?"
"That is highly unlikely, sir." Data answered without emotion. "I can foresee only one threat that I pose in such extreme weather conditions."
"And that being?"
"If we osculate…. You may get stuck."
Riker couldn’t hide the smile from his face. He remembered as a child a friend of his putting his tongue on a metal flag pole, and due to the temperatures he had gotten stuck.
"I’ll try to remember not to kiss you, Data."
"Thank you, Sir. Would you like for me to help you remember?"
"I don’t see that as being necessary…. Perhaps you should remind Lieutenant Worf?"
"I shall do that, Sir."
"I’m going to go now."
"Yes. Come back."
"I’ll do that." Riker answered, he opened the door and exited out of the androids quarters.