Not All Things Are Good (spoof fic)
Utter silence filled the room as the three officers stared each
other down, tension thick in the air. Finally, it was Riker who
spoke, his voice laced with sarcasm as he mockingly stated in
his best imitation falsetto voice…
“Not while we’re on the same ship, Will. We should keep our relationship
professional, Will, especially since we’re both senior officers….”
Deanna Troi’s eyes quickly narrowed, anger radiating off of her
in droves. “That is completely uncalled for. Worf and I have
gotten closer over these past few months, we were even married
in several parallel universes,” the Counselor stated indignantly,
while the warrior stood beside her, silent.
“Oh, that’s right, how can I forget, you guys were MARRIED. The
Betazoid and the Klingon… a marriage made in heaven. Kind of
like a shark marrying a sea horse,” the Commander replied with
For a minute the two other beings looked confused, and Riker
belatedly realized that neither would get the comparison.
“What is a shark?” Deanna asked, suspecting that Will had one
over on them and annoyed that she didn’t know what it was.
“For that matter, what is a sea horse?” Worf asked, entirely
confused, injecting himself into the argument for the first time.
“Both are earth animals. A sea horse is a gentle, docile creature
while a shark is a deadly predator,” Riker answered matter-of-factly,
squelching a grin.
“Who are you calling docile?!” Troi asked through clenched teeth,
getting angrier by the minute.
“Worf!” Riker answered candidly, never wavering in his eye contact
with his imzadi.
“Hey! I want to be the shark!” Worf bellowed, glaring at the
First Officer, “I’ll have you know that *I* am a man of honor.
And a warrior….” He trailed off as Riker interrupted him.
“We know, we know, and next you are going to say that ‘today
is a good day to die’… versus the second Thursday of next month,
which would just be an entirely inadequate day to die on. Got
to have our priorities,” Riker finished with a flare.
“Hmph,” Worf replied with a huff, folding his arms across his
chest as he continued to grant Riker with an icy expression.
“You know, as stimulating as this conversation is, I believe
I have better things to be doing… like washing the windows on
the Enterprise from the outside while the ship goes into warp
drive so that I can be flung out into space,” the Counselor announced
“You never did explain why it is that it is okay to date Worf,
who, the last time I checked, is still a fellow senior officer
onboard this ship, while it wasn’t okay for us,” Will inquired,
refusing to let the topic go.
“All right, all right, I’m scared to death of you hurting me
again and am therefore using Worf as some sort of sadistic plot
to get back at you for causing me agonizing pain all of those
years ago. Is that what you want to hear?!” Deanna nearly shouted.
“You’re using me?!” Worf exclaimed loudly, pivoting on his heels
to face the Counselor.
“I was being sarcastic, Worf,” the Betazoid remarked dryly.
“I do not get *sarcasm*,” Worf responded, turning to glare at
Riker once more when he heard the First Officers chuckle.
“Actually, I think it was spot on,” Will stated to Deanna in
“You would,” she huffed, neither confirming nor denying his claim.
“Hello, I am standing right here,” Worf injected into the conversation,
“and I think its high time you told him of our passionate love
for one another,” the Klingon requested of the Counselor.
“Passionate? Worf, we’ve only recently started dating. We didn’t
even get to kiss yet, the Captain interrupted,” Troi stated,
“Ohhhh, ouch! The truth hurts, huh, Worf?” the Commander teased
with a devilish gleam.
“If you were any other man I’d kill you where you stand,” Worf
exclaimed through clenched teeth, then paused to ponder his choice
of words. “You know that line was entirely fitting to me, it's
like I *own* it somehow.”
“Oh brother,” the Counselor replied with a roll of her eyes.
“I think we’re getting off track here, so back to the main topic
at hand…” Will stated authoritatively, staring each officer down
in turn. “We…” he continued, pointing to Deanna, “have some unresolved
issues to discuss, and you,” he turned, pointing at Worf, “have
entered something entirely beyond your comprehension.”
“Beyond my comprehension?! I comprehend just fine and I think
that you are just jealous,” Worf stated bitingly, clenching his
“You know…” Troi started, before being interrupted by Riker.
“If you say that you are sensing hostility I am going to deprogram
the computer from recognizing any foods using chocolate and YES
I’m feeling hostile,” the First Officer announced with vengeance.
“I was just going to say,” the Counselor continued undaunted,
“that this is the twenty-fourth century and the time for men
getting all Teutonic and coming to blows over something this
petty has long since passed.”
“Speak for yourself,” Worf replied, indignant.
“I stand corrected,” Deanna replied with a shake of her head.
“When are you going to admit we belong together, Deanna?” Will
questioned, ignoring Worf completely.
“Oh I don’t know, maybe if we ever hit a patch of space that
will make us think and act like the youth we once were, which
in turn would allow us to admit that we’ve always loved each
other and grant us the necessary reprieve from learned fear so
that we may try our relationship again,” the Counselor responded.
“Okay, THAT I can work with. Four years from now work for you?”
The First Officer, calmed by her suggestion, asked in inquiry.
“Sounds like a plan,” the Counselor nodded in affirmation, also
calmed. “Although I do have one request to make. Do you think
you can stop with the Hugh Hefner impersonation in the meantime?”
“Who is Hugh Hefner?” Worf inquired, looking from Troi to Riker
in confusion. “You mean that Borg guy Geordi named Hugh? I didn’t
know that his last name was Hefner.”
“It's not. Hugh Hefner is a figure in Earth history known for
having a mansion with tons of beautiful, scantily clad women,”
Deanna responded, shocking both men with her knowledge on such
a fact. “What? My father was from Earth, you know,” she finished
“You know about Hugh Hefner, but you don’t know what a shark
is?” Will asked, shaking his head. “You know, never mind, I don’t
want to know. I promise to curve my appetite for woman if you
promise not to date any more fellow officers; evil, seedy political
negotiators; and genetically engineered colonist leaders with
a bug up their butt the size of the Enterprise.”
“Deal,” the Counselor nodded in confirmation, relaxed now that
everything was settled between them and granting a small smile
for the first time since the conversation had started.
“Hey, what about me?” Worf asked, reminding both officers of
“Oh don’t worry Worf, I’m sure by that time you would have already
moved on, maybe even been reassigned. But if you’re good you
can show up before we leave for this youth-inspiring patch of
space with no explanation as to why your presence is there,”
Riker offered in comfort.
“Well, I suppose that plan does have honor,” the Klingon remarked
dejectedly, still weary as he moved to join the other officers
in exiting the room, cursed to his fate.