Crazy little story, written in the middle of the night in less than half an
hour, so you're warned. No names mentioned, not even a plot. Just questions,
questions and one answer.
Disclaimer: Nope! *muahaha!!!* I don't need one; after all, no one can be sure from whose pov this is. (Although, considering my other writings it shouldn't be too hard to guess) Hell, you can't even proof its Star Trek
It's three am and I should definitely be sleeping, but I can't take my eyes
off the stars outside. Do they hold my future? Or is it my past that I see reflected
in them? How can I know?
So many questions are running through my mind, so many questions that I've long since stopped chasing them and now they tumble through my mind as the stars tumble past.
Only they don't, it's me who's moving, not the stars. So does that mean my questions aren't moving either? That it's me who's running?
And if I am the one who's running, why can't I stop? How long do I have to run to find my answer?
It's amazing really, what those four words did to me. Four words intertwined to an all consuming question, a question that sent me running away as fast as I could and even now that my body's still, my mind is still running.
I don't know how much longer I can keep running away. One day I'll tire, one day I'll fall and I wonder if there will be someone to catch me. What if there won't? What if I run myself to exhaustion without a helping hand nearby?
All that because of those four words, words so simple and yet so damned complex. Like the stars outside; fixed in one time and place, yet always changing, transforming in something else. Like that one question that calls for so many others.
It should've been easy; a simple yes or no answer. Do I love him, or don't I? Do I trust him, or don't I? Am I willing to give myself to him, with the risk of losing myself?
And those are the easiest to answer, but there are so many more. So many questions questioning who I am, what I want and where I want to be.
Until those four words were spoken, just hours ago, everything had seemed so clear, so logical, but they destroyed it all; they took my security away and replaced it with doubt and with questions.
Does that mean I don't love him enough? That it isn't meant to be?
Or am I being sensible, rather than afraid?
No, I am afraid; I can feel it in every fiber of my being, in every beat of my heart. I'm more scared than I've ever been and I don't like it, At all.
Everything was fine until a few hours ago, everything was fine until those four words slipped from his throat! Why did he have to say them? Why did he have to throw my world upside down and inside out? Damn him!
Damn me for running, for being so insecure. Damn me for not being able to forget the past and for being too scared to answer.
Do I love him?
Do I want him?
Do I want to be with him?
Do I trust him?
Do I trust him with my heart? Can I count on him to keep it safe? I'm not sure.
God I wish I was! I wish I could answer those four words without hesitation, without second guessing, but I can't. Not now, not yet.
Maybe some day when I stop running, not having to fear the questions waiting for me because the answers shine brightly in my soul. Maybe then I can answer to those four words with an actual answer, maybe then I'll be able to break free from the chains holding me.
But not today or tomorrow, or the day thereafter.
I need more time to be 'us', time to figure out how to stop running and face the questions fixed in my mind.
I never thought it would be this hard, I never thought that that one question would bring me so much turmoil but I can't help it. I suppose this is also a part of who I am, albeit a part I've never known to exist until those four words were spoken; that four word question asked directly for the very first time.
I'm still unsure of what the stars hold; my future or my past? More questions or the answers?
There is however one thing I am sure of and as much as it hurts me to hurt him, there is no other answer to those four words.
Not today or tomorrow, or the day thereafter.
There are only four words to answer the question and four words only.
I need more time.