Title: All Kinds Of Wrong
Author: Christal
Cast
Dr. Frank-n-Furter (a scientist)
Picard
Janet Weiss
Deanna
Brad Majors
Will
Riff Raff
Data
Magenta
Yar
Columbia
Beverley
Rocky Horror
Barclay
Eddie
Thomas Riker
The Criminologist
Worf
Dr. Scott Geordi
Transylvanians
misc. crewmembers
Opening Credits: Science Fiction, Double Feature
Jean-Luc Picard was thrilled
The day the Borg were killed
As it told them were they stand
And Will Riker was there
In silver underwear
The android Data earned the rights of a man
Then something went wrong
For boy wonder and Yar
One skipped town and one got a mudpack
Then at a Warp 1 pace
It came from… outer space
And this is how every week went:
Going where no, man has before
Doctor Crusher will cure a virus
See friendships forged, Lwaxana
Every episode, another planet
Wo Oh Oh Oh Oh
On the late night, double feature, star trek show
They thought Reginald Barclay
Was full of malarcky
When he said there were worms in the beam
And I was really shocked
When I saw ears like Spock
On Counselor Troi in the sixth season
The Klingon Worf said prunes
Were great as a juice
And called it a warrior’s drink
While remaining calm
Said LaForge to Ms. Brahms
“How’s about dinner and some mood lighting”
Like a…
Going where no, man has before
Doctor Crusher will cure a virus
See friendships forged, Lwaxana
Every episode, another planet
Wo Oh Oh Oh Oh
On the late night, double feature, star trek show
Full spread torpedoes
Oh Oh Oh
On the late night, double feature, star trek show
To boldly go
Oh Oh Oh
On the late night, double feature, star trek show
Make it so
Oh Oh Oh
On the late night, double feature, star trek show
"Dee it's perfect. It's small, secluded, here on the ship…" Will
nudged,
trying to persuade Deanna to fall in love with the chapel.
He was fighting a hopeless battle.
"Will Riker I will NOT be married in an old run-down shack in the Holodeck!
Now we were agreed last night to be married on Betazed and that's final."
"But Dee, that wasn't fair. How is a guy supposed to think clearly when his
fiancé is giving him a…"
"And if you know what's good for you you'll stick to the agreement, or we
spend the honeymoon in separate beds!"
Will, infuriated, turned his back on her and took a few steps away. He
suddenly felt very strange. He suddenly wanted to break out into song. He
turned around.
"Will we still haven't talked about what we want to be prepared for the
reception. We promised mother to have the list for the caterer as soon as
possible. Will? Are you alright?"
Suddenly things go very weird…
Scene: a little chapel in a quiet wooded clearing. The only two people
there are a man and woman, engaged, and talking over arrangements…
*Dammit Imzadi*
Will: Hey Imzadi.
Deanna: Yes Will?
Will: I've got something to say
Deanna: Okay.
Will: I really love
your
skillful maneuvers...
used to beat your mother out...
of the choices for the caterer.
Deanna: Oh Will.
Will: The way of deli is safe so how's Pastrami (Chorus: Imzadi)
Then we could top it off with some Mozzarelli
(Imzadi)
So please don't tell me no Salami. (Imzadi)
I've one thing to say and that's Dammit, Imzadi I
love you.
The pasta list is long but I like Tortellini
(Imzadi)
There's a fire in my heart and it comes from
Ravioli (Imzadi)
If there's one dish for you then it's Manicotti
(Imzadi)
I've one thing to say and that's Dammit, Imzadi I
love you.
Here's a list to prove that I'm no joker.
There's three side dishes that can't falter
That's asparagus, Linguini, and cobbler.
Oh I-M-Z-A-D-I
I love you so.
Deanna: Oh, it's nicer than mother could build (Oh Will)
Now we're engaged and I'm so thrilled (Oh
Will)
That you met Mom and you let me call you
Bill (Oh Will)
I've one thing to say and that's Will, I'm
thrilled, for you too.
Will: Oh... dammit.
Deanna: I'm thrilled...
Will: Oh... Imzadi.
Deanna: ...for you.
Will: I love you too.
Will & Deanna: There's one thing left to do - ah - oo.
Will: And now let's pick out the veggies and entrees. (Imzadi)
If anyone objects I'll do Karate (Imzadi)
On their asses I'll go Kamikaze (Imzadi)
Now I've one thing to say and that's Dammit,
Imzadi, I love you.
Dammit, Imzadi.
Deanna: Oh Will, I'm thrilled.
Will: Dammit, Imzadi.
Will & Deanna: I love you.
Feeling really odd and out of sorts, Will and Deanna quickly exit the
Holodeck.
"Will, get it through your thick head. We are having the ceremony on
Betazed."
"Well we can discuss this over later, when you aren't so emotional. We need
to get to the bridge anyway" Will said, noting that he wasn't finished yet.
"Emotional! I am not emotional!"
"No, of course not dear…" Will patronized
"Will Riker don't you patronize me! I'm…"
Suddenly the emergency sprinklers went off. Will and Deanna are perplexed.
"What in the hell…"
"Will, there isn't any fire. What's happening?"
"I don't know. Just hold on a second… Computer, create a newspaper."
//SPECIFY//
Deanna, looking at him oddly, starts to wonder if maybe the wedding wasn't
starting to give him a mental breakdown. She just looked at him with that
deer in front of the headlights stare.
"A large newspaper, uh the Times Picayune."
In Will's hands now was a copy of the Times Picayune. He opens it up and
folds it over Deanna's head.
"There now" he smiled, thinking he had made it all better.
"Oh gee Sweetheart, everything's better now that my head* will stay
dry"
Will, choosing to ignore the sarcasm, walked them towards the turbolift
where they find Data.
"Data, hold the lift." Deanna called out.
Data turns around with a strange look in his eyes.
"May I help you?"
Will, sensing something out of place asked, "Data? Data why are you stooped
over like that?"
Deanna, leaning in to whisper into Will's ear said, "Will, Data is studying
the cult phenomenon of the earthen holiday 'Halloween.' When he heard about
the big bash tonight he started researching costumes and appropriate
attire."
Will shook his head in understanding, and sighing, looked back up to deal
with Data.
"Well Data, it seems the ship is malfunctioning. Is there anything being
done yet?"
"The ship is fine…" Data spoke softly, "Commander. It is simply
raining."
"Raining? Data don't you find that a bit odd? It does not* rain in the
middle of a corridor, don't you think?"
Data just stared at Troi and growled deeply.
Will, taken aback, puts a little distance between him and them.
"Well ok then. You know what, we'll just wait for the next one. I'll just
call the captain and inform him that the Counselor and I will be a few
minutes late."
Data, holding open the turbolift's door, gestured for them to go first.
"Come in, please."
Will and Deanna shuffle in, wondering what was going to happen next.
"The master has been expecting you. He so enjoys guests."
Completely baffled they are taken to the bridge where once again Data
insists on opening and holding the door open for them.
They looked around in wonderment; apparently the captain had done some
redecorating while they were off duty. There was blue and white everywhere,
a Mona Lisa here and there, and all the crewmembers were very oddly
dressed. They passed by navigation.
"Ensign Ro?" Will called out in amazement, "Is that you?"
He stared at the young bajoran woman completely out of character. He and
Deanna were confused as hell.
Deanna walked over to where Doctor Crusher was standing... she was
astounded.
"Beverly, what's going on? Why are you dressed that way?"
Deanna looks her friend up and down and she sees the dancing doctor wearing
a dazzling display, literally dazzling with lots of pink, of a tap dancing
outfit. Her hair is cut short and plastered to her head with mounds of gel.
Deanna looked at her and thought the amount of make-up was absurd, she had
added just enough to complete this 'slut' combination.
Suddenly she heard Will's hysterical shouting.
"TASHA! What in the hell… you're fucking DEAD!"
Will's eyes were bugged out as he took in the site of his once comrade and
friend Lt. Com. Natasha Yar. The only difference was she now had magenta
colored hair that was the frizzy fro from hell, and she was in an
odd-looking maids outfit. She was standing next to Data who was now
sporting a black outfit with a white torn shirt that needed a couple of
washings a couple of months ago, he was still slumped over from a small hump
on his back and his hair was now blonde, stringy, and hanging down loosely.
Suddenly Will got that distinct feeling of another song coming on.
//This is nuts// he thought.
*Engage A Time Warp*
Data: It is astounding;
The Prise is
fleeting;
Q…
takes his toll.
But listen
closely...
Tasha: Not for very much longer.
Data: I have got to… keep control.
I remember…
engaging a time-warp.
Sitting
during moments when
The darkness zoomed
by me
Data & Tasha: And an emergency would be calling...
Crew members: Let's engage a time-warp again.
Let's engage a time-warp again.
Worf: It's just a jump to the left.
Everyone: And then a step to the right.
Worf: With you're hands on you hips.
Everyone: You bring your knees in tight.
But
it's the pelvic thrust
That
really drives you insane.
Let's engage
a time-warp again.
Let's engage
a time-warp again.
Tasha: It's so dreamy, oh the torpedoes just free
me.
So you
can't see me, no, not at all.
Onto
another planet,
with
voyeuristic intention,
At the
weapons station,
I see
all.
Data: With a bit of a wrist flip
Tasha: You're into the time slip.
Data: And location can never be the same.
Tasha: You're spaced out on sensation.
Data: Like you're under sedation.
Everyone: Let's engage a time-warp again.
Let's
engage a time-warp again.
Crusher: Well I was working down in Sickbay
just having a think
When this snake of a guy gave me a mischievous wink.
He shook me up, he took me by surprise
He had a familiar face, and those blueish eyes.
He stared at me and I felt a change.
Time meant nothing, never would again.
Everyone: Let's engage a time-warp again.
Let's engage a time-warp again.
Worf: It's just a jump to the left.
Everyone: And then a step to the right.
Worf: With you're hands on you hips.
Everyone: You bring your knees in tight.
But it's the pelvic thrust
That really drives you insane.
Let's engage a time-warp again.
Let's engage a time-warp again.
(Beverly tap dances)
Everyone: Let's engage a time-warp again.
Let's engage a time-warp again.
Worf: It's just a jump to the left.
All: And then
a step to the right.
Worf: With you're hands on you hips.
Everyone: You bring your knees in tight.
But it's the pelvic thrust
That really drives you insane.
Let's engage a time-warp again.
Let's engage a time-warp again.
At the end of the number sequence everyone was on the floor. Will looked
around…
"Maybe they tired themselves out…"
"Will, say something"
"Hey anybody know the Orion katerwall?"
Deanna grabbed him on his arm "Will I want to get out of here. They’re
all
mad, something is very wrong. WILL!"
Will, restraining himself from slapping his future bride in the face,
"Deanna calm down, this is no time to panic. We'll just slowly make our way
out and take a shuttle off the ship."
They hurried towards the lower deck's turbolift and were stopped in their
tracks by the presence of their captain.
Will sighed in relief, "Captain, thank goodness, maybe now we can return to
normal…"
He trailed off as he saw the captain embraced in an all black full cape.
Beneath was some odd clothing, and Deanna gasped in surprise. Her captain
was clothed in lingerie, black undies with silk stockings and a black
corset to match. She didn't even know he liked to wear make-up. She could
see many long counseling sessions ahead with him.
*Sweet Transvestite*
Picard: How do you do, I
See you've met my
Faithful second in command.
He's just a little brought down
Because when you knocked
He thought you were the candyman.
Don't get strung out
by the way I look.
Don't judge a book by its cover.
The head is a bit shiny by the light of day
But by night I'm one hell of a lover.
I'm a just a sweet transvestite
From Transsexual, Transylvania.
Let me show you around
Maybe play you a sound.
You look like you're both pretty groovy.
Or if you want something visual
That's not too abysmal,
We could take in an old Dixon Hill Holo
Will: I'm glad we caught
you at home,
Could we use your communiqué?
We're both in a bit of a hurry.
Deanna: Right.
Will: We'll just say
where we're settled,
Then go back to the shuttle.
We don't want to be any trouble
Picard: Well you got caught in a
spat, well,
how 'bout that?
Well, babies, don't you panic.
By the light of the night it'll all seem all right.
I'll get you a satanic mechanic.
I'm just a sweet transvestite
From Transsexual, Transylvania.
Why don't you stay for the night?
Data: Night.
Picard: Or maybe a bite?
Crusher: Bite.
Picard: I could show you my favorite
obsession.
I've been making a man
With blond hair but no tan
And he's good for relieving my
…tension.
I'm just a sweet transvestite
I'm just a sweet transvestite
Crusher, Data, Yar: Sweet transvestite
Picard: From Transsexual,
Picard, Crusher, Data, Yar: Transylvania.
Picard: So Come down to the lab,
And see what's on the slab.
I see you shiver with antici - (Three seconds)
pation.
But maybe the foray
Isn't really to blame.
So I'll remove the cause
But not the symptom.
As soon as Picard had made his dramatic exit back into the turbolift, Data
and Yar hustled them into the next one.
"The master wants you to be his special guests" Yar crooned.
They were taken to sickbay, where everything had changed. There were weird
marble statues around, like the old Greek statues, but very odd. Some just
didn't look right. Then Deanna figured it out and giggled.
"Will, look. Those statues."
"Yeah, what about them?"
"Will, they only have a penis and one testicle. They are missing a part of
their anatomy."
Will rolled his eyes. "Deanna, how can you think about sex at a time like
this."
Deanna fixed a stare on him, and then lowered her eyes.
Picard sashayed over towards them.
"Now my pets, your in for a treat. For tonight is the unveiling of my
greatest creation."
He walked over towards a giant mirrored crate where a mummified human was
floating in water. Suddenly the lights started flickering. Data was doing
something, Will guessed giving power to whatever it was the captain was
about to use. The captain, for his part, was pouring and mixing stuff into
the cage of sorts… almost like paint. Then with more dramatic flickering
BARCLAY was born.
Picard squealed, "Oh! Barclay!"
"Oh Will," Deanna said, frightened.
"It's alright Deanna." He comforted.
*The Sword of Damocles*
Barclay: The sword of Damocles is hanging
over my head,
And I've got the feeling that someone's gonna be
cutting the thread.
Oh, woe is me, my life is a misery.
Oh, can't you see, that I'm at the start of a pretty
big downer.
I woke up this morning
with a start when I fell out of bed.
All: That
ain't no crime.
Barclay: And left from my dreaming was a feeling of unnamable dread.
All: That
ain't no crime.
Barclay: My high is low, I'm dressed up with no place to go.
And all I know is I'm at
the start of a pretty big downer.
All: Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime.
Barclay: Oh ho no no
All: Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime.
Barclay: Oh ho no no
All: Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime.
Barclay: Oh ho no no
The sword of Damocles is
hanging over my head.
All: That ain't no crime.
Barclay: And I've got the feeling that someone's gonna be cutting
the thread.
All: Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime.
Barclay: Oh no no no
Will and Deanna just looked at each other, Will disgusted at the display,
Deanna apparently aroused by the site.
Picard was upset, but forgiving. "Now Barclay, is that any way to act on
your first day out?"
He was giving Barclay his present, which apparently included a song about
muscles that sent Deanna into a fit of giggles again, when they were rudely
interrupted.
Out of nowhere a motorcycle came crashing into sickbay, and Crusher started
squealing.
"THOMAS!"
Will looked on dumbfounded, for there was his brother Thomas on an
infamous, and esp. rare, Harley Davidson. He was dressed in leather and was
a bit grungy looking.
He cycled over towards Crusher and grabbed her. Again Will's sense of a
song came to him.
*Hot Patootie (Bless My Soul)*
Thomas: Whatever happened to
Saturday night,
When you dressed up sharp and you felt all right?
It don't seem the same since cosmic light
Came into my life, I thought I was divine.
I used to go for a ride with a chick who'd go,
And listen to the music on the radio;
A saxophone was blowing on a rock 'n roll show.
You
climbed in the back seat, you really had a good time.
Hot patootie, bless my
soul, I really love that rock 'n roll.
Hot patootie, bless my
soul, I really love that rock 'n roll.
Hot patootie, bless my
soul, I really love that rock 'n roll.
Hot patootie, bless my
soul, I really love that rock 'n roll.
(Sax solo)
My head used to
swim from the perfume I smelled.
My hands kind of
fumbled with her white plastic belt.
I'd taste her baby
pink lipstick and that's when I'd melt
And she'd whisper
in my ear tonight she really was mine.
Get back in front,
put some hair oil on
Buddy Holly was
singing his very last song.
With your arms
around your girl you'd try to sing along.
It felt pretty
good.
Woo you really had
a good time.
Hot patootie, bless my
soul, I really love that rock 'n roll.
Hot patootie, bless my
soul, I really love that rock 'n roll.
Hot patootie, bless my
soul, I really love that rock 'n roll.
Hot patootie, bless my
soul, I really love that rock 'n roll.
Picard then proceeded to slash Thomas to little tiny bits with a pick ax.
Everyone was astonished, Crusher ran off crying, and Yar seemed particular
humorous about the whole situation.
Deanna became hysterical. "Will, Will I want to get off the Enterprise. The
captain just killed your brother!!!"
Will shook Deanna by her arms. "Get a hold of yourself Deanna. We'll find a
way out, I promise."
Picard came out and tried to calm down Barclay. "Oh love it was for your
own good."
Suddenly everyone disappeared… Deanna and Will felt very out of sorts. They
were left in the room with Barclay, Geordi who was now suddenly in a
wheelchair, and the hosts of the evening.
Deanna panicked "Will I can't move my feet."
Geordi tried too, "And I can't move my wheels."
Will was infuriated. "You'll never get away with this."
Picard just laughed and turned them all into stone, including Crusher who
had just had a tirade over Picard's unfair love for her.
Then he clapped his hands for his servants' attention. "Come, we must
prepare for the floor show."
&&&&&&&&&
They are all taken down into Cargo Bay 3 where a stage and pool have been
set up. The four unfortunate victims of Picard's are placed on stage in
attire much like his and painted faces on them. Slowly bit-by-bit they come
alive.
*Rose Tint My World*
(Unfreeze - Crusher)
Crusher: It was great when it all began.
I was a regular Picard fan.
But it was over when he had the plan
To start a-working on a pale skinned man.
Now the only thing that gives me
Is my love of a certain dope.
Rose tints my world,
keeps me safe from my trouble and pain.
(Unfreeze - Barclay)
Barclay: I'm just seven
hours old,
And truly paleful to behold.
And somebody should be told
My fears can't be controlled.
Now the only thing I've come to trust
Is a counseling session that's hushed.
Rose tint my world and keeps me safe
from my trouble and pain.
(Unfreeze - Will)
Will: It's beyond
me;
Help me Daddy!
I'll be good; you'll see,
Take this dream away.
What's this? Let's see,
I feel sexy!
What's come over me
(Unfreeze - Deanna)
Deanna: I feel released;
Bad times deceased.
My counseling has to be questioned;
reality is here
The game has been disbanded;
my mind has been expanded.
It's a gas that ol' Baldy's landed!
His lust is so sincere.
Just then everyone jumped into the pool where Picard was swimming and
commence into a humongous, very oddly done underwater orgy.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Deanna sat up straight, her drenched sheets plastered to her legs. She was
panting heavily and looking around wildly. Slowly she calmed down,
breathing in deeply as her eyes slowly adjusted to the darkness.
"It was just a dream" she sighed…
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Will sat up straight, his drenched sheets plastered to his legs. He was
panting heavily and looking around wildly. Slowly he calmed down, breathing
in deeply as his eyes slowly adjusted to the darkness.
"It was just a dream" he sighed…
~*~*~*~*~*~*
Picard sat up straight, his drenched sheets plastered to his legs. He was
panting heavily and looking around wildly. Slowly he calmed down, breathing
in deeply as his eyes slowly adjusted to the darkness.
"It was just a dream" he sighed…
~*~*~*~*~*
Slowly Deanna looked to her right, and then to her left. She screamed. Her
scream was soon followed by Will's and Picard's. They would never be the
same again.
~*~*~*~*~*
Somewhere in the farthest reaches of the cosmos, an evil, wicked laughter
ensued. Oh how he loved to play with his mortals…
ROLL END CREDITS…
Suddenly out of nowhere Data jumps into the middle of the bed and strikes a
pose.
"Lets engage a time warp again" he hollers.
All three stand up and join in.