The Tentative Touch
by Carol Sandford
Set: After Insurrection (I think)
Disclaimer: Yup, if you look hard you'll find it I'm sure.
I cant stand it. I cant stand being so near her all the time
able to touch her. Not how Id like to anyway.
Its been so long since Id touched her - really touched her, and yet it
all but a breath away. A heartbeat away. A look away. A memory away.
Like the way her breath caught when I put my fingertip upon her breast. The
way she trembled when I slowly moved that fingertip, teasing her along its
journey to a nipple that became alive with the prospect of being held
between my fingers.
Like the way her eyes melted like warmed chocolate as that touch set off a
tidal wave of longing right to the very heart of her. Right to her feminine
core. Right where she wanted my body to be.
I ache to kiss her. To touch my lips to hers, tasting her sweetness,
hearing her moan against my mouth as my tongue searched for hers and on
finding it, letting it mimic what our bodies craved.
My body screams out in the night for her, when Im alone in my room with
only memories to cling on to. I need her touch. On my skin, my heart and
especially on my soul.
I miss it. I miss her.
Occasionally I feel her mind brush mine. But it is the touch of a friend. A
hello, or a you okay?. Occasionally it is a little more, when something
has reminded her of us long ago, and it those touches that I cling to and
Its going to be hard working with her tonight, but its a job that has to be
done. A job that we do once a month without fail, and it is done in my
Normally its not a problem. Normally after our work is done, we treat
ourselves to a glass of wine, some gentle music and some quality time to
catch up as friends.
But I dont think I can do it tonight. I dont think I can sit beside
without touching her. I just dont think I can. But Ive got to, for
But it is going to be hard.'
What is she doing!? I wonder silently as she deliberately settles
against the couch, lifting my arm and settling it around her shoulder.
I try hard not to let my hand settle against her breast that is all but a
millimetre away from it. But I gasp as she purposely grabs my hand and
flattens it against the firm mound, gently curving my tense fingers around
it, patting it lightly with satisfaction when it becomes obvious that Im
not going to jerk it away as though it on fire.
It is, but its a nice kind of heat. A heat that I can live with, for now.
She rests her head against my chest and I can hear the laughter in her
voice as she begins chatting about an incident that had happened in her
office earlier in the day.
But I know that the laughter is not about that. Its about me and my fear.
Damn right Im afraid, more so because the heat in my hand is beginning to
make it want to move, and if I move I am going to be lost.
As suddenly as Deanna starts talking, she falls silent, and still. She
senses my inner fever, and confusion. And I am confused. What is it she
wants from me?
Did she put my hand there because it was more comfortable for me? Did she
put my hand there in the hope that it would kick-start my libido into doing
So intent on my own question, it took a few moments to realise that her own
hand was touching me. At first she had rested it on my leg - she must have
felt my own trembling as I shook like a leaf at what could be happening.
What I hoped would happen.
But then she started to move that hand and the air suddenly became charged
with sexual tension. Or was it longing? Both.
I had to stop her. I had to. I didnt want to, but I had to. Just as her
fingers began to burn a trail towards my still stunned loins, I rapidly
placed my hand upon hers, my silent plea screaming out to her.
As I tried to reign in what Deanna was doing to me, my head fell back
against the couchs edge. But it soon snapped back upright when she
suddenly launched herself from beside me to straddle my hips.
I saw the passion in her eyes. I saw the way her body was responding to the
closeness of mine. I saw the tremble. I saw what she wanted.
And she wanted me.
Normally I wouldnt have hesitated. If it had been any other woman, wed
have been making love by now. But this wasnt any other woman. This was
Deanna Troi. My Imzadi.
My friend. A friend that had not so long ago wanted anything more than
What had changed?
I watched her face break into a shy smile and my heart melted a little
more. But it was what I saw in her eyes that made me catch my breath. It
was the look of long ago, when we had first became one. When we had given
our hearts bodies and souls to each other.
When wed first fallen in love.
She leaned forward and settled her warm lips against mine. The kiss was
slow, light and experimental, and before I could deepen it, she broke away,
leaving me hanging somewhere between heaven and hell.
I opened my eyes and looked back into hers, only this time when she smiled,
I smiled along with her.
Reaching up, she traced my jawline, studying its travel with her eyes,
forging what she wanted to say, and I could do nothing more than wait.
I didnt have to wait too long.
"Im proud of you, Will."
I didnt hide the surprise as her eyes found mine again, nor did I hide
questions that evidently bounced between us. I didnt say anything but she
knew the answers even so.
"Because, my love, you have proved to me that you have grown. For the
few years I have watched as you have continued to love me with as much
passion, and intensity that we had back on Betazed. But in all the time
since, you have not only managed to control how you feel about me, but you
have managed to hide it from me too."
She chuckled, "But not all the time."
I blushed when I remembered some of those things that Id tried to hide
from her. It was true, I had tried to hide my feelings from her, and it was
true that it had taken a great deal of effort on my part, and for the most
part, I had succeeded, except for obviously on the odd occasion and I
suspected those occasions were when I was sleeping.
I could only humbly apologise, "Im sorry, I never meant..."
Her finger pressed against my lips halted my words, "Shhhhh, dont
apologise. I understand, Will, I truly do, and I thank you from the bottom
of my heart for never losing faith in me, or never giving up on us."
My response came out harsher than I intended, "Never, Imzadi, never!"
the prick of tears to my eyes caught me by surprise and I found myself
rapidly trying to blink them away as I reiterated my promise, "I could
never give up on us even if I could never touch you again."
I watched as her own eyes grew moist at my honest admission, but along side
that, I witnessed a transformation within her when she huskily whispered,
"Do you want to touch me, Will?"
Everything stopped, just for a moment while the allusion of her bold
request swirled around between us. But even though there were so many
questions and ramifications to be considered, I didnt even hesitate for a
moment when I answered her,
This time when she lifted my hand to her breast, placing it over it and
holding it so tightly against her, I could feel the power of her heartbeat
beneath my fingertips. I could feel her love for me pouring into my soul.
We made love that night, and for the first time since a steamy
unforgettable moment in the Jalara Jungle, I let her in. I let her into my
mind to see what she still meant to me, even after all these years. I let
her become mine as much as I become hers, only this time, this time, it was